Grief isn’t always what we expect it to be. It doesn’t show up on schedule, and it doesn’t always follow the “rules” we’ve been taught.
In this episode, we set aside our usual light tone to wade into something much deeper: the many shapes and stories of grief. We often think grief only belongs in the context of death—but as we talked through it, one thing became clear: our understanding of grief is far too narrow.
The Traditional View—And Why It’s Limiting
Culturally, grief is often packaged in a tidy framework: someone dies, you feel a deep sadness, you go through the “stages,” and eventually you move on. Maybe your employer gives you three days off. Maybe your friends show up with a casserole. But then—life resumes.
That model might work for some, but for many, it’s not just incomplete—it’s dismissive. It fails to recognize how varied and personal grief really is.
Grief Beyond Death
One of the most important things we discussed is that grief doesn’t only show up after someone dies. You can grieve a dream that didn’t come true. A relationship that ended. A job you left. A version of yourself or your life you thought you’d have by now.
You can even grieve a relationship while the person is still alive.
That kind of loss can be especially tricky because society doesn’t always validate it. You may feel pressure to “just move on” or explain why you’re sad—because your grief doesn’t fit the cultural script. But grief doesn’t need your permission, or anyone else’s, to exist. It just does.
The Longevity (and Surprise) of Grief
Grief doesn’t have a timeline. It can linger far longer than we expect, and it often shows up in ways we don’t see coming. A smell, a song, a recipe—grief has a way of sneaking in through the back door of our lives.
And it doesn’t matter if the loss happened last week or last decade.
One story we shared was about making fried okra in the kitchen—just like a grandmother used to. Years had passed since her death, but in that quiet, simple moment, grief showed up again. That’s how it works sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human.
Compound and Unprocessed Grief
Especially in recent years—think pandemic—many people experienced back-to-back losses: jobs, routines, people, relationships, communities. We didn’t have time to fully process one thing before the next hit. That’s what we call compound grief.
Unchecked, this kind of lingering grief can show up physically, emotionally, and relationally. It can look like fatigue. Irritability. Detachment. Even physical pain. (Yes, the brain and the body are deeply connected—just ask The Body Keeps the Score.)
Unprocessed grief can also affect how we relate to others. It can keep us isolated or reactive. And when everyone in a group is grieving differently, it can create misunderstanding, resentment, or deep loneliness.
So, What Do We Do?
The first step is expanding our definition of grief.
We need to give ourselves and others permission to feel sadness over things that aren’t “supposed” to be sad. We need to stop measuring our grief against someone else’s. And we need to resist the temptation to fix or minimize what someone else is going through with platitudes like “everything happens for a reason.”
Instead, we practice presence.
Grief doesn’t need solutions as much as it needs companions. It needs room to breathe. And it needs us to stop rushing it out the door.
A Final Thought
Grief is going to show up in your life. That’s not pessimism—it’s reality. But if we do the internal work now—if we build support systems, develop self-awareness, and practice mental health proactively—we’ll be better prepared when it does.
Because your life will life. And when it does, you’ll be glad you’ve made space for grief, instead of being surprised when it comes knocking.