The Therapeutic Journey: The Vulnerability Hangover

JJ: Welcome to the With Counseling podcast. I’m JJ Blandford, therapist and founder of With Counseling. On today’s episode, we are going to talk about the vulnerability hangover that may occur when you’re in therapy.

Currey: Yeah. So I mean, it makes sense, right? Right. Like, you just started therapy, you’re meeting somebody new for the first time and divulging things that may be difficult in your life. So it makes sense that there would be a little bit of a vulnerability hangover, but I think probably not everybody is prepared for that, like going into therapy. Is that true?

JJ: I think so. So I’m not actually sure who coined the term vulnerability hangover.

And the first time I heard it, it just made sense to me because a lot of times when people are sitting with me in therapy, it’s the first time that they’re telling their story or part of their story. And so some people may have been, maybe they’re in their early twenty s and just a short part of their life, they’ve been carrying this weight. I have definitely met with people in their, who have never shared some of these really Hurtful and traumatic parts of their story.

And so to have carried that weight or a lot of Times, I think what feels like a secret to people to sit down with a stranger and share your, sometimes it’s not even your deepest, darkest thing. It’s the fact that you have kind of built a wall and you are just brick by brick breaking down that wall and allowing yourself to come to therapy, allowing yourself to start, grow in emotional health, that it can feel really yucky to keep showing up and kind of sharing that story. Your story.

Currey: Yeah. So how do you talk people through that when they do have that experience? Maybe come back and talk about that with you.

JJ: So I try to prep people, especially if it’s our very first session and they have never shared their story before.

I try to end our session just kind of talking about they may leave and that night or the next day or a couple of days later think, oh, my word, I can’t believe I shared X, Y and Z with her.

And just to normalize that feeling and to also try to take the shame away from it, one of the hardest things I think about doing therapeutic work is when I have a client who comes back a week later, and they have spent this whole week kind of ruminating about something they said, worrying what I thought about them after I shared that information, what my experience was when they shared that information with me. And so I try to help my clients understand my job is to take on their story, to hold it, and to have my own coping skills and strategies to move on in a healthy way in the work that I do. I spend my days hearing hard and heavy things, and that is my responsibility to deal with.

So I do try to always be in conversation with my clients about, like, it is my job to take these things from you, to hear your stories, to hold those with you. And sometimes people, it’s easier, sometimes I think, to worry about me and how I feel about someone’s story than for them to think about the impact that it has on them.

Which is kind of another way that we talk about that vulnerability hangover piece of. Maybe you’re fixated on my interpretation of how you’ve told this story because it’s way easier to think about my reaction than to have to face your own reaction of acknowledging some hard parts of your story.

Currey: Yeah, I mean, that makes sense.

That makes a lot of sense.

And you don’t want that kind of concern to be keep you from delving into sort of the real stuff. I think it could be easy to just kind of show up to therapy and never really sort of fully be vulnerable because vulnerability is hard, and telling somebody some of these things that you’ve carried for a long time can be really complicated, I would imagine.

JJ: Yes. So, I mean, also as part of that work, I try to help people understand you don’t have to show up your very first day and tell me your deepest, darkest, hardest thing. We can build a relationship that you’re just kind of giving me some breadcrumbs along the way as you are growing in relationship with me.

And still we could have met for months and months and then revealing this big thing that you’ve been carrying that maybe we’ve danced around, you’ve alluded to, but you haven’t totally opened up and been completely vulnerable about. So even in those sessions I talk with clients about, like, I want you to show up next week and we can talk more about this thing. Just because we’re further in the therapeutic relationship doesn’t mean that my clients don’t still experience that vulnerability hangover when they share more challenging parts of their story.

Currey: Yeah, that definitely makes sense. I guess on the therapeutic journey, as you’re holding space for emotions, as people are sort of like getting healthier, right, and seeing a little more health, is there an extent to where that can cause bigger problems in sort of life, in kind of the daily life for them because of experiencing health but still being in sort of the same situation, but they’re getting healthier, I guess.

JJ: Does that make sense? I call it, one of the side effects of therapy is that when you get healthy, it can be really disruptive to the other relationships in your life, or you may not be willing to talk to the other people in your life about what you’re talking about in therapy. And so you are getting healthy and expressing and working through some of maybe your trauma or life experience.

So you’re approaching relationships in a different way, and that can be really disruptive to your life.

Currey: So how do you talk people through something like that going on? I mean, how do you think about that? Because I’m going to therapy, I’m getting healthier. I could imagine it would be pretty off putting if life is getting much more complicated during that process, I think.

JJ: It goes back to having conversations with people about what we can control.

We can’t control other people’s behaviors. A lot of people come to therapy because they’ll say, like, oh, I want to work on this relationship.

Oftentimes what they don’t know they’re saying is, I want that other person to change so that this relationship becomes easier, and then maybe they start to change, which may actually create a positive change in the relationship. Just because you get healthy does not mean your other relationships become hard and unhealthy, and they can become more challenging, or you may have to set different boundaries of.

I have allowed myself to be in this unhealthy relationship, and as I have grown in confidence and emotional understanding, I’ve realized I can’t be in this relationship the same way that I had previously. And sometimes that’s really significant. I have walked with people as they’ve decided to end marriages, long partnerships, changed family relationships.

And it’s work that I don’t take lightly as I journey with people kind of through those really gut wrenching journeys.

And I want to give people the skills to be their healthiest self and how to have healthy boundaries.

It’s kind of this space that you’re showing up to.

You’re doing some work and processing and learning things about yourself and your life, and then you’re going out into the world to live those things out. And so it’s a lot.

My hope is that I provide space and support clients in that, and it can be really hard.

Currey: Yeah, I think it’s fair to have people warned about the possibility of that happening.

Getting healthier is not easy. Right. There’s a reason, like, you stay in those unhealthy patterns, right? Because they work for some sort of reason.

And until they don’t work anymore. It’s really hard to change those things, right. So I’m sure it’s just getting to that point where something has to change. And no matter the sort of pain or whatever, I’m willing to sort of kind of walk through that.

I get that it all can be very complicated and more difficult at times. So how does one kind of keep showing up in that and keep doing that work when it is difficult? I mean, how do you talk to clients about that sort of thing?

JJ: I think so often clients find this strength within themselves. A lot of times that they didn’t realize that they had. And a lot of times when people choose to share the hard parts of their story, they talk about, they feel lighter. And I often talk a lot about we hold things in darkness, we hold them close to us, and they have power over us. And when we bring those things to the light, they lose some of their power. It is hard to tell your therapist some of the hard things about your story. You may have a vulnerability hangover, and you can also feel that weight that you’ve been carrying for years and potentially decades might lift a little bit. It doesn’t mean your world becomes rainbows and unicorns. But I think sometimes that feeling of lightness, of that things aren’t so heavy is what keeps people coming back to do the work. They are empowered from the work that we do together, that they have the ability to change their story. They can write a different story with new skills and healthier boundaries and positive self worth. And I think being in a healthy, therapeutic relationship is holding space to realize, like, this work is really hard and heavy. And hopefully we are moving you towards a goal of health and wholeness. And the journey requires both of doing the hard work. And I think even celebrating some of the wins of like, again, we’ve talked about reflecting, but reflecting back to people as they’re telling a story or a recent experience, my job is to say, do you realize you did that different curry six weeks or six months ago, would not have been able to have that conversation in that way. Do you see the change that you’re making? Do you see the progress? And so I think hopefully part of my role is helping people. Right? Sometimes when you’re just doing the day to day work and you’re doing the best you can do, it’s really empowering to have someone outside to say, like, hey, I see the growth that you’re experiencing. Do you see it, too?

And so that’s one of the ways I hope that I’m supporting my clients in their therapeutic work.

Currey: Yeah. I mean, it’s just like anything, it’s little wins that kind of keep you going in anything work, whatever it is. But I’m sure it’s the same with kind of getting healthy along that journey. And, I mean, that’s the beauty of fostering, like, a long term therapeutic relationship, is that you do have somebody that has known you for a year or whatever and can reflect those things back to you because you started in one place and now you’re in a different place.

I think at some point we need to talk about how to know when to quit a therapist or whatever, because I know that we’ve heard a lot of stories about just there’s some weird situations out there. But all that to say, I think when you can find that somebody to journey with long term, I’m sure it makes kind of all the difference in the world.

JJ: Yeah. And I think that goes for a therapist, too. Right? There is beauty in working with someone for years and years because you get to see the good work happening. And I think sometimes therapists don’t often talk enough about, like, it also gives me life to see my clients doing better and to be making better choices and to think, gosh, the work that I’m helping people do matters in the world. And so I think that’s another part of the therapeutic relationships relationship that’s reciprocal.

The therapist wants you to be successful for your benefit, and it’s an encouragement to me that the work that I’m doing is meaningful and matters.

Currey: Yeah, we all need that. That’s good. Awesome. Thanks for unpacking some of that. And I think just, I don’t know, what would a takeaway be for somebody sort of starting therapy, kind of listening to this episode, how would you kind of. I don’t know, is it just preparing yourself or knowing that that’s a possibility enough?

JJ: I think it’s not that going into therapy that you need to have that knowledge, per se.

I hope that this is a reminder to you when you’re driving home from your first session and thinking, oh, my gosh, I was nervous talking, and I just shared all the things to take the shame and the fear out of that. This is a really normal part of the therapeutic process, whether it’s your first session or your 50th session. You may share something at some point in therapy that as you reflect on, you feel embarrassed or shameful or nervous about, and that’s part of the journey, and your therapist understands that.

Currey: Yeah, I think that’s awesome.

JJ: I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If you’d like to continue this conversation, you can find me on Instagram and Facebook at counselingwith. Or you can send me an email on my website@counselingwith.com, I hope today’s episode takes away the shame and fear that may come with sharing your story in therapy. While the vulnerability hangover can feel real, your therapist can hold this space for all the emotions.