Self Care Myths and How To Incorporate in Everyday Life

JJ: Welcome to the with Counseling podcast. I’m JJ Blanford, therapist and founder of with Counseling. In today’s episode, we are going to talk about, are you actually engaging in self care when you’re doing what you believe are self care activities?

Currey: Yeah. And self care is kind of a big, I don’t know, buzzword or something.

And I feel like people think when we have these conversations, honestly, the first thing I think is treat yourself right from parks and Rec. It’s like, just go crazy and buy a bunch of stuff. And that’s self-care. That’s like treating yourself.

So how do we even basically kind of think about what self-care is?

JJ: So, in my work, self-care is a soapbox for me, and I think it’s even changing the language of how we talk about self-care. So when I’m talking to clients about the idea of self care, I actually use the language, what is life giving to you?

Because I think that even shifts what we’re looking for when we’re considering what self care might be.

Currey: Makes sense. Yeah.

JJ: So I was actually listening to a podcast today that was saying some of these things that we talk about, like take a bath or get your nails done or those type of activities are also just for some people, like part of personal hygiene. So if you’re saying you take a shower every day and your self care is to take a bath instead, is that really going to be the thing that moves you out of a funk? And I’d never thought of it like that, because for me, sometimes going to get a pedicure does feel like self care. It’s taking time for myself. And sometimes when I’m there, there are so many sensory things going on. A loud talker, the volume on the TV. What I’m hoping to be restful and restorative is just really getting the polish on my toenails changed. And maybe it’s not even the life giving experience I was hoping for. And so I think it’s kind of this ongoing process of thinking through are the things that I’m doing that I’m calling self care, actually things that once I finish that activity, I feel better, I feel more myself, I feel more full of life, and I think that can actually be trickier to find.

Currey: Yeah, for sure. That makes sense. So, given that we’ve sort of defined this as opposed to self care, life giving, how does that change?

Kind of how we think about it, how we go about doing it, that sort of thing.

JJ: I think what can be hard about kind of the spa day, shopping trip, spending money piece of self care is a lot of people do not have the means to consistently engage in that type of activity.

I also think most of us know been to target to buy something with hopes of it making us feel better, and that’s not actually what happens. So that may be an activity we’ve called, like, oh, self care, I’m just going to go wander around target. Do I actually feel better after I did that? Maybe, but a lot of times not. And so I think we have to kind of.

To me, it’s twofold. It’s expanding our idea of what self care is. Again, I think the language of what is life giving is really helpful, and then we have to figure out for us what that is. I think there’s so much that’s prescriptive about self care. Again, it kind of falls into these have lunch with a friend, go shopping, spa day type thing.

And like you mentioned, those things don’t speak to you. And so if that’s kind of the narrative we’re writing, we’re excluding a lot of people, whether that’s not their interest, that’s not something they can afford. And so what are things that are life-giving?

Currey: Yeah, I mean, maybe you asked your own question there.

What are some examples of things that maybe are even counterintuitive or whatever or kind of outside of the box that you’ve had? No. Could be life-giving.

JJ: I think sometimes it’s really simple things like, for me, on a weekend, enjoying a hot cup of coffee in the morning while reading a book is something that is life giving to me. I get my books from the library and I make coffee at home. That is an inexpensive activity that sets me up for the day. It may not derail a super stressful or unravel tons of stress from the week, but it’s one way to just give myself some time and space to kind of be a human in the world, to process how I’m feeling.

So I think sometimes it can be something that simple. It could also be like going to your favorite yoga class or playing basketball at the gym with your friends.

It’s also realizing, is it a solo activity? Is it engage with other people activity? And most of us need kind of a mix of both. Sometimes things that are life giving to me is going out to eat with friends.

Sometimes going out to eat when you have small children is chaotic. And again, the worst. But it’s this idea of, oh, we’re going to go out to this nice dinner, I don’t have to cook. I have written a narrative in my brain of how this is going to be self care. To me, my order is wrong. Our kids are a little wild, all the things. And so it’s also this realization of like, this thing that I had envisioned and put my hope in restoring me does the actual opposite and not maybe reconciling those things for myself of like, what I hoped and what I wanted.

Actually, not only did it not help, I’m worse off than when I started this endeavor.

Currey: Yeah. And have less money, which doesn’t help with anything either, right?

JJ Yeah.

Currey: So what are some ways that you would know that you need self care? What are some signs that you’re not doing self care well or that you need to kind of take time and that sort of thing?

JJ: I often think the indicator is strong emotion and it’s any emotion. Are you more irritable?

What is that about? Are you more tender and kind of tearful? If that is not your norm, what is that about?

It’s this realizing, like, I’m experiencing an emotion or maybe a lack thereof. For me, I talked about when I am not tearful, when I hear hard things, I know that I need self care because for me, it’s the absence of an emotional response that leads me to know I need something. I’m not my fullest, best self. And so sometimes that means I need to just take a walk around the block and change, like have a change of scenery. Sometimes that means once our kids go to bed, I need to actually Sit and read a book instead of scroll my phone, because that’s not helping the situation.

We have to be healthy enough as humans to self reflect of. Am I in a place that I need to do something for myself to kind of help regulate my emotional state?

Currey: Yeah, that makes sense. I think that’s helpful. I mean, I feel like it’s hard when you’re in that place, though sometimes to reflect on it and not just kind of put your head down and keep going, I guess. And especially if you have obligations, family obligations or whatever. It’s sort of like, no, I just got to get this done and keep going. And really what you’re doing is the opposite of what’s going to make you better. Right. But it feels like you’re in control if you can kind of just keep going.

JJ: Yeah. I think the other thing, often when I’m working with people, this is like a skill we have to cultivate. I’ve yet to really work with many people who are very aware of the things that give them life. And it may be like going to the beach I feel the most alive when I’m standing on the beach. That is amazing to know about yourself. That is not something you can implement every day unless you live close to.

Currey: The beach.

JJ: Or the mountains or by water or. People have these places where they know they feel most alive and also know that they can’t access that daily most of the time. And so it’s also kind of this awareness of, like, sure, I know these big, extravagant things that are really helpful to me that are life giving. How do I implement something that I can do day to day? And typically, I have people make a list of two to three things that they know are life giving to them so that when they’re in that really tricky place and they’re not sure how to care for themselves, they’re not also trying to think through, oh, gosh, now what do I need to do? I don’t have the mental capacity. I’m feeling overwhelmed by life. And now I have this other task of figuring out how to make it better. This is something that kind of, as you figure out your things, you can return to them again and again and you don’t have to think about it.

Currey: Yeah. Like, put them up on a sticky note on your desk or something.

Right? Yeah.

JJ: You know, I’m the queen. I’m the queen of Sticky notes. They help me remember all the things.

Currey: Yeah, but it’s almost like you have to as well give yourself the permission to even do those things for yourself. Right. That can be tricky.

JJ: So I have joked for a long time that I need to make adult permission slips, because sometimes we just need someone to say, you are worth taking whatever step it is you need to care for yourself. And I think the reality is, even in the most supportive partnership or marriage or family system, while the hope is that we are looking out for one another and taking care of each other, people don’t always know what’s going on with you. And so you need to acknowledge what you need, and then you will be a better part in that system.

But we don’t always.

Sometimes we’re waiting for someone else to give us that permission that we have the ability to give ourselves, to take care of ourselves.

Currey: So would you say that everybody listening has permission to do that?

JJ: I think so.

Currey: Okay. So a prescription from JJ for everybody out there to take care of.

JJ: Yeah.

Currey: Some self care, some life giving experiences. All the things because you’re worth it.

JJ: Yeah. And just as you are the next couple of weeks, engaging in activities that are just part of your life, sometimes these are already things that you’ve established in your weekly routine that you haven’t named them as life giving, and that’s what they are. And so it doesn’t always have to be adding something. It’s just acknowledging, like, oh, that standing coffee date that I have with a friend, that is something that’s life giving to me, and I know that that restores my soul after I’ve spent time with that friend. That’s something you’re already doing, that’s already a part of your rhythm.

And so I think also having this awareness of, like, you may be doing things that fit into this category, they’re just such a part of your life and how you function, you haven’t named them as life giving. And I think that can change the light with which we see certain activities.

Currey: Yeah.

From what you’re saying, it sounds like it might be a good exercise to even just sit down and think about what those things are because we probably take them for granted. And I feel like your example of a coffee date, it could be really easy, right? School is about to start or whatever. It could be really easy with a change in season to drop something like that because it’s inconvenient or whatever. Things change, right. But if you haven’t acknowledged that thing as part of a self care routine to yourself, it would be easy to drop it, like, hey, I can take care of that. Don’t need to do that right now or whatever. And it diminishes the way that you’re taking care of yourself because you’re not seeing that as a part of the whole of how you’re taking care of yourself.

Currey: Right.

JJ: Yeah. I think that is great insight. Because school is headed back. We’re headed into fall. Even if you don’t have school age children, the seasons are about to change. Fall brings a host of new activities.

Then we head into the holiday season.

And so just an awareness that, yeah, the season is changing.

How am I holding on to things that have worked well for me in the current season that I’m in and carrying them forward to help care for myself in the season to come?

Currey: Sounds like some good homework. Take five minutes, ten minutes to just think about what those things are, right?

JJ: Yeah.

Currey: Good.

JJ: Thanks for joining us for today’s episode. If you would like to chat, you can find me on Instagram and Facebook at counselingwith or send me an email at my website, counselingwith.com. I hope today’s episode gives you the permission you need to look at what is life giving to you and how you put more time and energy into those life giving activities.