Heading Back to School: Maintaining Your Mental Health

JJ: Welcome to the With Counseling podcast. I’m JJ Blandford, therapist and founder of With Counseling. In today’s episode, we are going to talk about how to support you and your child’s mental and emotional health as your kiddos head back to school.

Currey: Yeah, it’s that time of the year, right? How did this summer already happen? It’s time.

JJ: It’s flying by and I feel like my social media timelines are already starting to be populated with first day of school picks. And so it felt timely to kind of talk about how as a family, you can support your emotional and mental health as well as your kiddos.

Currey: We’re all going to need support, basically, is what you’re saying.

JJ: That’s what I’m saying.

Currey: I think as I’ve been thinking about this, the big transitions in life, like moving, changing jobs, it’s a little bit easier for us to wrap our minds around, hey, we might need some extra mental health support. We probably aren’t as good at that even there as we need to be. But we don’t think about these transitions that happen every year as times of needing probably some extra mental health support. But any transition in our life, right, changes things. It alters the way we live and therefore is a basis for, like, maybe our mental health might need some help because of those things.

JJ: Yes. And when I say mental health support, I don’t mean like, you need to enroll your whole family in counseling.

Currey: Although.

JJ: Although you might.

Currey: Ours are.

JJ: And what I think is just, I think because this back to school time is just a normal every year transition, we don’t consider the impact that it has on us and our children.

And I guess I’m speaking from my own experience, when our oldest was younger and kind of started the elementary school journey as we would prep for back to school, I thought going back to structure and routine would be really good for us. Which it is.

Currey: Yeah, for sure.

JJ: But to go from like summer, where our kids routine is much less structured, back to the school setting is just kind of jarring for everyone involved. And so while I really value the structure and routine that school provides, we do better as a family.

If I have kind of mentally and emotionally prepared myself and our kids for this transition and then continue to provide that support in the weeks to come.

Currey: Yeah. I mean, change affects us all. Like, we’re taking the kids at different times, we’re picking up kids at different times. Right. There’s so much about to change, right? And I feel like it’s about to just hit us in the face. We have no choice. Right. But preparation can be key to making it a little smoother.

JJ: Yes. And so I think with any transition, there are proactive strategies we can implement to kind of do groundwork to prepare for that transition. And then some of the reactive strategies are things that we do while we’re in that transition to support ourselves and our kids.

So, for instance, if your kids haven’t gone back to school, you are likely in that time frame of meeting the teacher. Seeing class lists, things like supporting your kids emotionally, is when they get their class list and realize for the first time in a couple of years, they’re not in class with their best friend.

And typically, I think our response as the grown up is to say, like, oh, this is an opportunity to make new friends, or, you’re so funny, everyone’s going to like you in your new class. Instead of just meeting our kid in their emotional state of, I’m really sad, I like going to school and being in a class with my best friend, just holding space for them of, it’s okay to feel sad to not be in class with your friend.

Currey: Okay. You don’t have to move past those negative emotions quickly. Right.

So many times when we do that, is that us sort of protecting ourselves in some way too? Or why can’t we hold that space a lot of times?

JJ: Well, because as humans, we don’t really like to deal with the hard emotions our own, our children’s, our friends. And so I think it becomes really natural for us to move past hard emotions or challenging emotions, things that don’t, quote unquote, feel good. And it’s helping our Kids become healthy humans by just saying, like, it’s okay to feel sad. This is an appropriate scenario to feel sad. Let’s process those feelings of sad. Oftentimes when we give our kids that space, they don’t sit and wallow and move into a really dark space, although that is possible, a lot of times they just need to feel those feelings, kind of move through them, and then our kids are ready to move on to the next thing. And so as we give them opportunity to kind of feel all the feelings, we’re helping create emotionally healthy humans.

Currey: That’s helpful.

So what other kind of strategies or ways of thinking about protecting our mental health in this transition?

JJ: Well, I think there’s work that we can do as grown ups. I think in my experience with our family, really, it’s like mid to late September that I feel like, okay, you’re.

Currey: Finally in the rhythm.

JJ: We found our rhythm, which, if you’re counting our kids, go back next week. We’re talking four to six weeks, right. And it’s not that those weeks are terrible or anything. They’re just challenging. Our kids are more tired. I am more tired. I may have less patience or be more irritable. Our children may have less patience and be more irritable. And so when I’m expecting by, like our kids start a half week, do a couple of days, if I’m expecting by that first full week of school to have found a rhythm and everyone be feeling good in this new season, I’m setting myself and our kids up for disappointment and potential conflict and stress. Whereas when I am looking at it saying six weeks, we got six weeks to kind of figure this out together, to figure out what this year looks like with the activities our kids are in this year, with the schedule we have for work this year.

I have so much more grace for myself and for you and for our kids. Just for me, a proactive strategy is giving myself a longer expectation of feeling settled in this new season and also the knowledge that it will happen.

It does take a while. And every year we do get to the point we’ve found our rhythm. We know how we’re going to function mostly in a new school year. And so I think it’s just kind of acknowledging that it’s going to take longer than I would like it to and not trying to push for some bizarro, arbitrary deadline that I’ve created in my head.

Currey: Yeah, I mean, it’s amazing how much of all of this stuff is just like having grace for ourselves and for those around us, how much that would help everybody’s mental health. But we put these artificial time constraints on it. Like, I should be into the rhythm right now. Why are we only surviving right now? And I think that makes it really kind of tough on everybody.

JJ: Yeah, I think another proactive strategy for adults is just to evaluate your own self talk. I often in my work, talk to people about, are you speaking to yourself the way you would a dear friend?

Currey: Can you say that again? I want to make sure everybody catches that.

JJ: That’s powerful, that are we speaking to ourself the way that we would a dear friend?

And I think that’s a really simple way to evaluate our own self talk. Like, if your friend was struggling with the transition of back to school, would you, in having a conversation with her, say, like, what is your problem? Can’t you get it together? Everybody else has it figured out? No. You would extend grace and kindness, hopefully, of. Yeah, it’s really hard to get kids back into school and find our rhythm as a family again. You’re doing a really great job. Those are the things. That’s how we would talk to a friend. And so I think it’s one thing to say to have grace for ourself, but what does that look like? And I think just evaluating that self talk voice is a really great place to start.

Currey: That’s powerful. I mean, how much are we in conversations with ourselves? And very rarely do we show ourselves enough Grace through most things.

JJ: Yeah, grace and kindness always.

Currey: It’s amazing. It’s a powerful tool. Powerful, simple tool.

What else? Any other kind of more practical maybe?

JJ: Well, I think so. I’m an avid podcast listener and I think right now there is no shortage of episodes and content about how to have the best morning, how to set your rhythms and all the things that for me, I can feel overwhelmed before we ever get started.

Currey: I have not set the rhythm yet. We’re in trouble today. It’s all falling apart.

JJ: When do I need to start waking my kids up early so that they’ll be on the new schedule and all the things. And I think to just take a step back and feel like, how are we setting ourselves up for success? For me, implementing three new organizational systems is not going to be the way to set me or our family up for success.

Currey: A good way to set it all on fire, like pretty early on, right.

JJ: And set these expectations that I would never be able to meet and then feel disappointed and speak unkind to myself when I fail. And so I think as we are prepping for a new season, I often feel like this is like the second New Year’s of the year of like fresh start. How are we be realistic for yourself again, for yourself and your children.

What, as a family, are you all capable of? Is it every kid can only do one activity? Because as a family, that’s what we can handle, kind of knowing as a family what your values are, your lifestyle, is your priorities, capacity. Yeah. And how are you aligning the things you put into life?

Like how is everything fitting together and does everything fit? And so before you jump into volunteer responsibilities or extra activities for your kids, maybe just taking a step back and saying, is this really where we want to spend our time? Is this where we want to spend our energy? Is this going to benefit our family? Well, in this season?

Currey: Yeah, that’s good.

That’s really good. I also just think about how tired we’re all going to be in a week. It always surprises me like, wow, this is way more tiring than I realized. But how much stuff you’ve added in to transition from doing almost nothing in summer to full schedule, full gas, even that half week just seems like it takes forever. So what about just managing that sort of aspect of things?

JJ: So I feel like I know really, without a shadow of a doubt, Friday night after three days of school is like takeout and a movie. Our kids are done.

We are done. And so just I know for our family, that night is at home. Chill out, calm weekend as we prep for that first full week, to do anything besides that is going to be problematic for us. And so I think it’s even setting those boundaries and parameters for your family of like that weekend, we’re going to do basically nothing. As we all try to begin re acclimating to this schedule.

The first several weeks of school, we are going to have boring, easy dinners because that’s what I have the capacity for. This isn’t the time to try all your new recipes and things that take a long time to prepare. This is your easy crowd pleasers. That it may not be the most nutritious or vitamin rich meal, but your family is being fed. And for me, I know that that’s what I need to do to take pressure off myself as we kind of re acclimate to school. And so whatever that version is for you, maybe it’s just things like, we’re just going to have cereal for breakfast the first three weeks of school. If I want to make a shift after that, great. But what are the easy things that I can kind of put in place for us as we are making this transition?

Currey: I have a brilliant idea.

JJ: Okay.

Currey: We need to make a cookbook for the first four weeks of school, both in August and January. And it’ll just be like Costco hot dogs, frozen pizza, and like cups of mac and cheese. Right? Bestseller, right?

JJ: Yeah, for sure.

I just think because this is a transition that happens every year. Every year we expect it to be pretty easy and seamless.

And I just think it’s a significant transition. No matter what your summer has looked like, whether you have been home with your kids, they’ve been in care, because you work full time, the shift back to school is just challenging. And so I think preparing yourself for it to be not hard, just different, is the best way to set yourself up for success.

Currey: Yeah. And I think one aspect of that that you probably touched on, but I just wanted to maybe even reiterate, is just your kids are going to be really tired and done when they get home. Right. And I think so many times I try to keep the fun going or whatever, or want to entertain them. And I think for, like, a few weeks, it’s okay if your kids just need to be alone for 45 minutes after they’re done with school or just lay in bed and read. Or maybe your kids are going to watch just a little more screens than you want them to. For this first little bit, I feel like that’s okay, right?

JJ: And I think it’s knowing your kids, like one of ours in particular, is very overstimulated by the school day and needs to decompress before they can reengage with the family. And so instead of the way I support that child’s mental health, is giving them the space to do that versus saying, you all are all home, you’re all doing something together, you’re going to get along after you’ve had a highly structured, sensory rich day. Giving kids some space to kind of decompress, be alone, allow their nervous system to calm, and then reengage with your family around the dinner table, or doing the chores that is expected, or doing some homework. But I think giving our kids that breather space, I think that also goes for us 100%.

I have been known it’s way easier at this house, because at our old house, you could see me when I would drive up, and from the big front windows. At this house, you can’t see me. So I can have those few minutes sitting in my car of just like, I can reenter. I can be gracious and peaceful.

And it’s not that I get this whole 45 minutes decompression time.

And sometimes it’s those five minutes of silence sitting in the driveway that give me the mental and emotional space to walk in and engage with our family.

Currey: You sit out there in silence. I always thought you were, like, listening to loud gangster rap or something. No, silence.

JJ: Love me some silence.

Currey: We could all use a little silence in our lives, I think.

Yeah, that’s good. No, I think these are great things to think about. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be high performers in sort of everything that we do with our families and our entire lives. And I feel like the world would be a lot better place. People would be less crazy in the pickup and drop off lines. Just everything would go a lot more smoothly if we would just show ourselves a little bit of grace and not feel like we have to accomplish everything all at the same time.

JJ: Yeah. And your kids can have a great school year even if you don’t have an elaborate, color coded system of how.

Currey: To be successful, maybe because, I don’t know, some of those things could be the opposite of helpful. You know what I mean? And you’re stressing everybody out.

It’s great to be organized and have systems, but if that’s not your thing, no need to implement those this next week, I guess.

JJ: Absolutely.

Currey: Yeah. Good.

JJ: I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. I would love to hear what your family does to support your mental and emotional health as your kids head back to school.

I’d love to connect on Instagram and Facebook at counselingwith. Or you can send me an email on my website counselingwith.com, I hope today was a gentle reminder to be kind to yourself and extend your children grace as you transition back to school.