Maintaining Your Mental Health Through the Holidays

JJ: Welcome to the with Counseling podcast. I’m JJ Blanford, founder and therapist of with Counseling. On today’s episode, we are going to talk about navigating the holidays.

Currey: It’s crazy to think that the holidays are already upon us, right? We’ve got like a couple of weeks left before Thanksgiving, and then it’s just the whole thing. The next month and a half is just family time and going, going. So I guess, how do we think about the holidays and our mental health?

JJ: So I wanted to talk about this because I’ve literally been talking to clients for the last couple of weeks about how to navigate the holidays. And I think oftentimes what we think about in that context is like the demands or expectations, and it can be so many different things for people. It may be this is your first holiday without someone important sitting at that table. So many ways we can experience loss, death, end of a relationship, lots of different things. And so thinking about where you are currently and what you have the capacity for for the holidays. I’ve talked to so many clients last couple of weeks about how do we be proactive and plan for the holidays so that the holidays don’t happen to us. I think so often, early November, I have this vision of being present and organized and enjoying these magical moments with my family.

And then you get through Christmas and it’s like, gosh, what just happened? And so I think part of it is that we have to be a bit proactive when it comes to planning our holiday gatherings, our December calendar, all the things.

Currey: Yeah. So what are some of the big things to kind of look out for? I mean, you’d mentioned just this sort of rose colored picture of what the holidays are going to look like, how do we kind of think through that? How do you set your clients up for success there?

JJ: I think part of it is being intentional.

If you are a single person, looking at what your family or friendship expectations are for the next six weeks and seeing when you look visually at your calendar, do you have the emotional capacity to handle all the things that you’re already committed to? Are there places that you can step back and say, I’m not going to have the capacity to do this many events, to have this many obligations similar if you are in a marriage or a partnership, of coming together and saying, what are we capable of? I am notorious for just saying yes to things that feel fun in being with people, but I’m rarely looking at the big picture. And so sometimes when I step back and look at the bigger picture, I’ve realized that I’ve said more yeses than I know we have the capacity for as a family. And so I have to be proactive, especially during this time of year, where, in addition to what family events you have scheduled, your kids are going to have Christmas parties and choir concerts and band concerts and all the extra. And so how are you creating margin so that you can enjoy those things?

Currey: Yeah, that makes sense. I think maybe for me sometimes it’s just that I am not a planner per se. It’s not a natural part of my personality. So I just kind of take things as they come. Right. Which ends up being kind of my downfall during the Christmas break. How do you even get to a point where you’re looking ahead? I guess.

JJ: I think I often talk about in therapy, what is JJ of today doing for future JJ? So that may be like, I often joke about like, 10:00 a.m. JJ has very big plans for 09:00 p.m. JJ that often aren’t realistic.

And so it’s also knowing what can I do as the version of myself today to prep for what is to come for me that is already looking at our calendar and kind of where is their margin? Where is there space that I’m blocking off? This is for our family, because not only do we need downtime, our kids need downtime. So I think part of it is, even if, especially if planning is not your strong suit, it’s caring about your December version of yourself and being proactive now to care for that version of you. I think it’s also looking at what family and friendship expectations are. I think, again, I see a lot of different people with a lot of different family situations. Some people are in a season of saying, I’ve been the planner, always, I’m tired of the role. And so instead of showing up for another holiday season where they know they’re going to be resentful and bitter and not enjoy time with their family, their proactive action is saying, I’m not taking this thing on. Who’s willing to step up this year for other people. It’s, hey, we have a new baby, and so we’re not going to be able to go to the 19 family events that are scheduled in December. These are the three that fit with where we are in our season of life. And so often I feel like, as we talked about previously in our family of origin stuff, we kind of can get in the habit of, well, this is what the family has always done, so this is what we’re going to keep doing. We don’t want to rock the boat. The reality is you need to speak up. You need to say, this isn’t working for our family this year. Could we plan in a different way? Could we move the time to more align with our child’s nap time? Could we host this year because that’s more convenient for our family? I think so. Often holidays are built up into these huge, magical things, which they can be, and there’s a lot of logistics and planning and people involved. And so sometimes it’s just saying, hey, this isn’t working. I was wondering if we could do it in this other way.

And that is the care for your future self of saying, I want to be present. I can’t be present for all the things. Where are the places that I can step up and be a part of a family event?

Currey: Yeah. It reminds me of a wise saying somebody once told me, which is no is a complete sentence.

JJ: I know I’m kind of a genius.

Currey: It’s true. But I feel like we need to use those skills a lot more during the holidays. You don’t have such a compact amount of time with family and with expectations and all that stuff any other time of the year. Right.

JJ: Well, and the reality is we are in early November. You can still create a new plan for Christmas. I mean, really, you could do the same for Thanksgiving. But I want to give people the permission to start planning for a holiday that is going to work for them. We spend so much money and time and energy trying to create a magical season. And oftentimes the way that we’re showing up for ourselves and our families isn’t representative of what we want to be.

And we need to be a bit more proactive in our planning, I think particularly in this season of the year.

Currey: Yeah, makes sense to me. I think we should probably talk about one of the biggies in this whole conversation, which is navigating family conflict. I think everybody’s dreading, like Uncle Bob this year, who can’t stop talking about politics or something or just even the expectations that there is, know the joyousness of the occasion and all that stuff. So how do we talk about navigating family conflict?

JJ: I think, again, this is knowing what your capacity is. You may be in a place that you’re like, bring it on, Uncle Bob, let’s go.

Or for you it may be, hey, Aunt Linda, I don’t have the capacity to be seated by Uncle Bob at the Thanksgiving table. Could you arrange our seats in that way? I think sometimes it’s having a conversation with your spouse or partner and saying, I’m going to be able to handle 2 hours of Thanksgiving.

What 2 hours?

Would you like to get there early, share a meal and leave? Do you want to get there as the meal starts and stay for dessert and peace out again?

We have to set our expectations and then be really clear with the other people in our lives of this is what we have the capacity for this year. This is what I’m capable of and communicating our needs. I don’t know why the holidays do get so tricky. And I do think there is this bringing people together who may only see each other once or twice a year.

There is so much expectation within holidays, and some of this may just be your own self reflection of is what I’m putting out in expectation for any of these holiday events or gatherings. Realistic? Am I setting myself up for disappointment because of just setting unrealistic expectations? Whether that’s things you’ve put on yourself, society has put on yourself, your family has put on you, and looking at what can I take off for myself? What are the places that I’m not going to engage in that behavior because I don’t have the capacity to do like for myself? I’ll give an example.

Currey: Yeah, that was going to ask for some examples.

JJ: Our son desperately youngest. Our youngest son desperately wants me to do elf on the shelf. He is aware of the Santa situation, and so many of his friends have elf on the shelf. And so even though he’s aware of the Santa situation, he is still adamant. And for me, as a human, I’m not an elf on the shelf, Mom. I’m not going to buy all the cute, creative things that I see on Pinterest. I’m never, ever going to remember to move the elf. And so for me, in the holiday season, that is one thing I do not have to deal with. I don’t have to figure out how the elf comes. I don’t have to remember where to move it every night. That was a very easy thing for me to remove from my holiday plan.

So where are the things like that? This isn’t Christmas. Feels hard. I’m not going to show up again. For me, I have started Christmas shopping earlier and earlier in the year, not only to balance the financial piece that comes with the holiday, but it feels overwhelming to me to be buying all the gifts. As soon as Thanksgiving is over, I start wrapping gifts. I used to do the whole, like, couple nights before Christmas and I was miserable.

Yes. Note for the audio. Curry is smiling and nodding.

Currey: Yes.

JJ: And so sometimes it’s just really simple, practical things of it’s a pain in the butt to get out all the wrapping stuff, to wrap a couple of presents. And I would rather have that hassle a couple of nights a week, every week leading up to Christmas than the three nights before frantically trying to wrap, put things together, all the things. And so it’s also looking at your expectations and being like, what is realistic? What brings me joy? There was a season of my life. Wrapping presents was my delight. Big elaborate bows, all the things that does not bring me joy anymore. There are other places I would like to spend my time and energy. And so I also think knowing we may be setting up patterns and behaviors that just work for this year, likely next year, you’re going to have to reevaluate. Where is our family? Where is my mental health? What do I have the capacity for? And I think the reality is these are tools that we can be implementing and utilizing for the entirety of our life. Like May is the new December, same thing of how are we preparing to make the most of a season.

But I think because so much happens during the holidays, this is a great time to kind of start practicing.

Where could I make some very minimal shifts to enjoy this season more?

Currey: Yeah, I think that’s really helpful. I think it’s helpful to talk about the small things like little tweaks as opposed to major tweaks. Like I have to change when Thanksgiving Day is or when we actually celebrate or whatever. I like the little tweaks. You mentioned it at the beginning. But what about those experiencing real grief this holiday season, like navigating grief and maybe a loss of a loved one, break in relationship or something? How would you talk to them about approaching this holiday and going through a time that should be joyous and feeling a loss at the same time?

JJ: I think grief is so tricky because we all experience it in a different capacity. And so even the assumption, like a loss of a family member, say, through death, and you’re all coming to the Thanksgiving table for the first time without that person, everyone at that table will be grieving in a different way.

And so I think to be as clear as you can about what you have the capacity for. Some people may want to talk and remember that person, and that’s how they process their grief. Other people may not want to access that part of themselves in the story. And so I think with grief in particular, we have to be so gentle and kind with one another. It’s another place that expectations like you need to understand that how you’re approaching this event, this potentially sad place will feel different to you than the other members of your family. And so to be okay that they’re not processing in the same way that you are. If you show up to Thanksgiving dinner and your expectation is that everyone is seeing and feeling and experiencing the same way you are, it will probably add stress and potentially conflict to your gathering. If you are coming with a posture of we are all grieving, we’re all going to feel that in really different ways. And I just want to be with the people who I love and care about in this setting. I think as your family is able to kind of talk about, hey, so and so isn’t at the table this year, how are we going to handle that? And having a conversation as a family is helpful if your family is in a place that they can have that conversation. I think around the holidays in particular, especially around grief, is how are we going to navigate this together? How are we going to support one another through this? I also understand not every family can have that conversation. There may be too much emotion or so many things, but I think as we are able to have those conversations, it’s incredibly important to care for one another kind of through this and over. Communicating through the holidays, I think, is preferable. It may be taxing to be on a family text that is just going, going, going.

And I think being able to step back and say, this is a lot of communication because these people that I care about want to make sure everyone’s needs are being met. If we can reframe that for ourselves, it gives us grace moving forward about how we’re going to enter into the holiday season.

Currey: I think that’s really good. That’s really helpful. I know there’s going to be a lot of people experiencing that grief for the first time and maybe for the fifth time or 10th time, and it’s still there, as you remember, have memories of these things, of these holidays celebrated together and now is apart. SO I think that’s really good, actually.

JJ: As you were saying that, I also think the farther out you are from grief, it can almost feel harder because some people may have, quote unquote moved on or past it, whereas the grief for you may still feel really fresh and new. And so just even having that awareness of the grief doesn’t feel the same to the rest of my family as it does to me. How am I going to show up in this space? What do I need to do to emotionally prepare?

I talk a lot with my clients about how are we prepping for the event, and then how are you caring for yourself afterwards? And so if you find yourself this holiday season, headed to an event that you know is going to be emotionally taxing for you, whether that’s because of grief or because of strained relationships or because any number of reasons that events can be hard and challenging, how are you caring for yourself once that event is over? Do you know that the next day you need less people time? Do you know I can only stay with this group of people for 2 hours and then I have to excuse myself? Do I know that I may need to just go home and go to sleep because my body will be physically exhausted from engaging? And so I think it is so important to care for ourselves as we prep for these events and to be mindful of how they will impact us. And we need to care for ourselves.

Currey: Once they’re done, yeah, I think that’s good. So I guess what I think we’ve seen over the years is that stressful times bring up things that we didn’t know were sort of Underlying and maybe messing with us. I mean, would you suggest that the holidays are a good time to start therapy or start thinking about or what would be some of the triggers that would alert you to like, hey, I probably need some more support?

JJ: I think the holidays can be a really great time to start therapy because there often are more stressors. If, you know, you have strained family relationships, if you’ve been thinking about like, should I go to therapy? Should I talk to someone?

And the thought of going to Thanksgiving dinner is like making you have a pit in your stomach or a nervousness in your chest. It’s a great time to start having these conversations, to even have tools as you’re entering these gatherings of just how to interact in a different way, to have someone who’s giving you additional support, to say like, that is really hard, that this is how the interaction always is. It’s so hard that you spoke a need and that wasn’t met by your family.

I think anytime is a great time to go to therapy and to acknowledge the stress that this season holds and know I may need some extra support. I have a lot of clients who during this season will be like, I don’t know, life is so chaotic, but I’m going to keep my appointment. I think I’m going to keep my appointment and then we’ll meet and they’ll be like, I’m so glad I kept my appointment because there is just a lot more going on. Grief may feel fresh again.

Having to sort through a relationship again can feel like a lot. And so I think therapy can feel like one more thing to do during this season.

And I think it’s really important to think about the benefit of having additional support as you’re kind of navigating all that. The holidays, we’ve mostly talked about family, and there’s also a lot of friend expectations, work expectations, school expectations for each. There is so much to navigate, kind of crammed into five or six weeks of life. And so I think it’s a great time to seek additional support.

Currey: Yeah, I love it. I think that’s great stuff.

JJ: I hope you enjoyed today’s episode of The With Counseling Podcast. I hope today’s conversation gives you permission to evaluate how you’re viewing the holiday and helps you plan better for your upcoming holiday season. I’d love for you to follow me at counselingwith on Instagram and Facebook or send me an email at my website, counselingwith.com. Thanks for joining us.