Healthier Relationships: The Power of Repair

JJ: Welcome to The With Counseling podcast. I’m JJ Blandford, therapist and founder of With Counseling. On today’s episode, we are going to talk about relational repair.

Currey: Yeah. So, relational repair is something we talk about. I mean, I think you would probably say, like, repairing relationships is a key to having a healthy relationship, right?

JJ: Yes, I would say that.

Currey: So how do we think about repair? Or what does repair even mean?

JJ: So, part of the reason I think that we have had this conversation is because, to me, it feels like it should be a really normal part of relationships. And in the work that I do, I have realized not everyone holds that belief or works at repair in relationship. And so, really, when this started to come to light for me is when I was practicing in Illinois, I worked with a lot of couples. That is not currently work that I am doing, but at the time, I was doing a lot of couples work, and most people are coming to counseling because there’s some sort of conflict or relational challenge within their partnership. And so one of the first questions I would ask was, what does repair look like in your relationship? If one of you feels wronged by the other, how do you fix that?

And I was shocked by the number of people who gave an answer.

Some version of, we don’t repair, we just move on.

We never say, I’m sorry.

Some version of that. And so I realized kind of this idea that having a healthy relationship needed to have some sort of repair that I thought was kind of understood in all relationships, I quickly realized wasn’t a part of all relationships.

Currey: Yeah. And so I guess when you say repair, how does that kind of operate in most relationships?

JJ: Well, and I guess it was the consistency which I was seeing it with, which I was seeing it in my practice made it more apparent. But the reality is, I think if you have lived life as a human, you have walked with people who have had ruptures in marriage, relationships, dating relationships, friendship, church relationships, school.

I’m not, like, bringing some novel concept forward. I think, to me, what I help people walk through, whether they come for couples or individual or whatever it is, is when you feel like there is brokenness in the relationship, how do you move to a place of healing?

Currey: But what do you mean by brokenness?

JJ: So that could be in our relationship, I say something to you that you take in a way that is hurtful to you. And so if we’re not working on repair, if we don’t have kind of. I mean, I think the first part of repair is just having open communication for you to be able to come to me and say, hey, JJ, when you said that, I felt really hurt, whether my intent was to hurt you or not, if that was your feeling from our exchange, that’s worth me coming back and saying, I’m so sorry, that wasn’t my intent, and having a conversation about it. That little thing is, like, very simple repair.

Currey: So are there instances where there should be repair, but because it hasn’t been verbalized by the other person, it just goes on.

Is repair two way street where it has to be sort of, like, known?

JJ: Well, if I don’t know that I have hurt you, then I can’t repair what happened between us.

Currey: But I think that’s, like, a really simple concept that we kind of skip over. Right?

JJ: Yeah.

Currey: Because if somebody just keeps like, no, I’ve just got to put my head down. I got to keep going. They’re hurting my feelings, but if I approach them, they would blow up or.

JJ: I don’t want to rock the boat.

Currey: Yeah, exactly.

JJ: We’ve lived in this manner for years, right. So now I’m going to therapy, and I’m learning some new skills. And so now the person who maybe is growing in health is maybe going to start changing the relational dynamic. And so a lot of times, that’s how you see repair introduced in a relationship. If that is not a part of how people were functioning previously.

Currey Yeah. I mean, I could see that being a major issue to repair.

Currey: Right. And then the other person, not only does it have to become known that one has been hurt, but the other person has to have the humility. Right. To seek to repair that rift or whatever happened there.

JJ: Absolutely. And so I think if we practice doing this in the small places of, hey, I ask you to do that thing twice to kind of help maintain our household or something.

If I can’t have a conversation with you about those little areas in our relationship where small rifts could happen, how would I feel comfortable if some significant break happened in our relationship coming and talking about trying to repair the damage that had been done?

Currey: Yeah. I think most people think of in these situations, like, the big stuff. Right?

The big blow ups, the big fights that happen in relationships. But like you said, it’s the little ones. It’s like the little repairs or something. I’m trying to think of a good analogy, and I’m not coming up with a good one tonight, but it’s the little things that matter which sort of build up to the relational equity.

Right. To have those more consequential disagreements.

JJ: Absolutely. I think we can all put ourselves in a situation or recall a situation in our own life where we were interacting with someone and said something that felt very minuscule and they had an enormous reaction to it. And we come to find out that there have been several little things previously that have kind of been building up and festering, and then our one small, seemingly insignificant interaction kind of blows things up. And so, I think, so often, not only are those little places where we can practice repair, it’s very low stakes. If we’re not practicing repair in the small interactions in our relationships, those things can really build into bigger instances, and the repair just becomes that much more challenging.

Currey: Yeah, it’s not getting any easier, right?

JJ: Absolutely.

Currey: So what are some practical steps for just, like, something maybe somebody could implement pretty quickly in their lives as far as, like, repair and that sort of thing goes?

JJ: I think if you are a person who has decided that you don’t want to rock the boat, that it’s easier not to say anything.

I think oftentimes you may have been quieting your voice in a lot of relationships, and so just practicing voicing how you feel in a relationship, you don’t have to start with, like, I was very hurt and kind of maybe bringing that perspective, that may feel most important, and that is an important way to use your voice. You can also say, like, I appreciate when you empty the dishwasher. Right. That has nothing to do with repair. But if I’m not used to communicating with you about how I’m feeling in relationship, I’m not building a framework for conversation about within that relationship. And so it’s really hard if you’ve never voiced that to be like, oh, my gosh, I found my voice. Let me tell you all the ways that you’ve hurt me every day. In a healthy relationship, we can come back to repair, because we’ve had tons of conversations about all the other pieces of our lives that we’re just used to open conversation. We’re believing the best in one another. I mean, I think that could even be true, right? In our relationship, there are times that it’s like, hey, you did this thing. I know you weren’t trying to annoy me. I felt very annoyed. But because we’re kind of always in conversation about what do we need to keep our household running? What do we need emotionally? What do we need logistically? That it’s really easy to kind of have some of these repair conversations because we’re just always in a conversation.

So I guess that’s a really long winded way to say, just start having more conversation and relationship so you’re not.

Currey: Trying to confront me on the podcast. I thought that’s maybe where we were headed.

JJ: Once we’re off mic, we’ll have that.

Currey: Confrontational conversation to look forward to then. That’s good.

So one place we talk about repair a lot, though, that I think people don’t think about it, is with our kids, right? So how do we think about repair with our children in the context of sibling relationships, but also our relationships with our children?

JJ: I have learned so much from the work that I do, and it informs a lot of how I parent.

I think as parents, we are slow to apologize to our children, and we are quick to expect them to apologize to us. And so if you can step back and think about it, how hard must it feel to our kids if at every misstep, we are demanding repair, apology, making things right, and yet when we misstep as parents, we don’t extend the same kindness to them.

And so I think for us, how this plays out, I hope.

I’d like to think that I have a handle on this. Our children might disagree, but I am quick to.

I try to be quick to engage with our kids, especially if I’ve said something. I can tell by their facial expression they withdraw. Maybe they are tearful, that maybe how I said something that I thought was a totally appropriate way to say, I don’t necessarily have to go back and say, I’m so sorry. I said it in that way. Sometimes the repair is saying, I see that you’re upset. Help me understand how you’re feeling. Sometimes it is going to that place of repair and saying, mommy was feeling really frustrated, and I used a harsh tone that wasn’t okay, and I’m very sorry.

And I feel like when I am in a pretty healthy pattern of repair and just open communication with our kids, they are also often quick to come to me to repair as well. And sometimes it’s just a really simple, like, I’m sorry from our kids, and sometimes it’s a more in depth conversation. But I think it’s something that I want to model for them because I want our kids to grow up and be healthy people who can have healthy relationships. And I think repair, forgiveness, seeking reconciliation is a really significant part of all relationships. In their friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships. I want them to be humans that have a skill set, that it has been modeled and practiced in our home so frequently that they can go out into the world and use those skills in whatever scenario they’re in.

Currey: Yeah, that’s good.

It always reminds me of that saying that we have in parenting, which is you can’t take somebody somewhere you’ve never been yourself.

So it’s expecting our kids to repair relationships with each other, with siblings, or with us when none of that’s ever happened in the household once, doesn’t make any sense. And just that emotional health piece of us in totality plays into what we can give to our kids and what we can sort of expect from them as well.

Right.

[00:14:06] Speaker A: Yeah.

I think even in a sibling dynamic, too, another piece of this is, I think when our kids were littler, it was kind of that, like, say you’re sorry, and then having the other child, the expectation, like, I forgive you, and kind of moving to a space now of the person who caused the harm has to apologize.

The child who was harmed doesn’t have to extend immediate forgiveness.

Currey: Forced forgiveness.

JJ: Forced forgiveness. Yes, of that.

Disgruntled, not authentic.

We’ve even kind of created space of coming that the child can come back and say, like, okay, I’ve cooled down. I am in a different place.

I forgive you.

And I hope that that is another skill that we’re teaching our kids, because I think even in any relationship, the healthiest marriage, the healthiest friendship, sometimes we may have someone come to us trying to repair, and we’re not ready to receive that repair, or we can receive what they’re saying to us. We may not be at a place to be like, okay, I’m ready to move forward in this relationship.

We may need time to cool down, cool off, get out of our feelings. And so I think that is another normal part of repair, of, hey, one person may be ready to move this relationship forward, but we kind of both have to be ready to engage in that repair to move things forward. And I think, as in most things in relationship, both people are rarely at the same place at the same time.

Currey: Yeah. And it always takes two.

Right.

You’re not moving this thing forward without both people sort of being on board. And, yeah, that repair takes time as well. Especially the bigger those infractions are, probably the longer it takes to kind of make that repair happen.

JJ: Yes.

And I hope this is just an encouragement of wherever you find yourself on this journey, maybe repair is one of your top skills, like, keep it up. If you are listening and thinking, this is something that’s really hard for me, something that I’ve really struggled with. I hope this gives you some encouragement of just taking that tiny little baby step, of maybe being more engaging in conversation so that when repair needs to occur, there’s openness for that to happen.

Currey: It’s good stuff.

JJ: I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If you have more questions or would like to continue this conversation, please follow me on Instagram and Facebook at counseling with or send me an email through my website Counselingwith.com, I hope today’s episode is the encouragement that you need to start thinking about what repair in your relationships looks like.