When was the last time you paid attention to the way you talk to yourself?
We all do it—self-talk is that constant, internal dialogue running in the background of our lives. And while some of that self-talk can be encouraging or motivating, a lot of it? It can be quietly (or loudly) negative, critical, and unkind.
In a recent episode of the With Counseling Podcast, we dove into how self-talk works, why it matters, and how we can start shifting it. Here are a few things we explored:
1. Self-talk is happening whether you realize it or not.
Most people don’t even notice they’re engaging in self-talk—let alone negative self-talk. But it’s there, shaping how we see ourselves, how we feel, and how we show up in the world. And the tricky part is, if we don’t stop long enough to notice it, it runs the show.
“If you’re not stopping, you’re never noticing.”
2. Creating space helps us notice.
We live in a noisy world. Podcasts in our ears while we cook dinner, music during workouts, news on in the background. Quiet moments have become rare, and sometimes even uncomfortable. But making space—real silence—creates the opportunity to reflect.
That might mean turning off your audiobook while you make lunch or driving in silence instead of listening to music. These small pockets of quiet give you a chance to hear what’s really going on inside.
3. Self-talk often stems from past experiences.
So many of us carry stories that were handed to us when we were young—by parents, coaches, teachers, or culture. We internalize messages like “I’m not enough,” “I’m difficult,” or “I have to be perfect.” They become the background music of our lives.
“Where did the story of how you view yourself start?”
Doing the work of therapy means exploring those stories, finding the roots, and asking: Is this still true? Has it ever been true?
4. Talk to yourself like you would a close friend.
This is such a simple, but powerful shift. Think about how you’d respond if a friend came to you and said, “I totally forgot to send in my kid’s permission slip.” Would you say, “Wow, you’re such a failure”? Of course not. You’d offer kindness. Understanding.
But we don’t offer ourselves that same grace. Instead, we’re harsh, critical, and quick to judge.
Start asking: Would I say this to someone I love?
5. Parents, your words shape your child’s self-talk.
If you’re a parent, the way you talk to—and about—your child is shaping their internal voice. Even joking comments like “he’s the wild one” can become part of a child’s identity. We don’t have to be perfect, but we do need to be mindful.
Catch your kids doing good. Lift them up with your words. Your voice will echo in their self-talk for years.
6. Changing self-talk is a process, not a switch.
This isn’t about moving from “I’m awful” to “I’m amazing” overnight. In fact, too much forced positivity can be harmful. It’s not about toxic positivity—it’s about truth. And sometimes, that starts with something simple and neutral, like “I am doing my best,” or “I’m learning.”
Over time, those truths begin to reshape the narrative.
A Practice to Try This Week:
Next time something goes wrong—big or small—pause. Notice what you’re saying to yourself. Would you say those same words to a friend? If not, what would a kind, supportive friend say to you?
Start there.