In any relationship—whether romantic, familial, or friendship—disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable. However, what sets healthy relationships apart is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to engage in relational repair.
What is Relational Repair?
Relational repair is the process of addressing and mending conflicts, misunderstandings, or hurt feelings in a relationship. Many assume that issues will simply “blow over” with time, but without proper repair, unresolved tensions can accumulate, leading to deeper rifts.
As a therapist, I have encountered many individuals and couples who struggle with this concept. When asked, “What does repair look like in your relationship?” some respond with, “We just move on,” or “We never say sorry.” This highlights a common misconception: that avoiding confrontation keeps relationships intact. In reality, avoiding repair can lead to a buildup of resentment, eventually causing significant damage.
How Does Repair Work in Relationships?
Repair requires open communication. If one person feels wronged, they need to be able to express their feelings. The other person, in turn, must acknowledge their feelings, even if the hurt was unintentional. A simple acknowledgment—“I see that you’re upset. That wasn’t my intent, but I understand why you feel that way”—can go a long way in restoring trust.
The challenge arises when one person avoids conflict, believing it’s easier to stay silent than to address an issue. But healthy relationships require both parties to actively participate in repair. It’s a two-way street—if one person doesn’t know they’ve hurt the other, they cannot initiate repair.
Practicing Small Repairs for Long-Term Relationship Health
Many think of relational repair only in terms of major conflicts, but it’s just as crucial in smaller, everyday interactions. If minor grievances are left unaddressed, they can accumulate and eventually lead to explosive arguments. Practicing repair in small ways—such as acknowledging when you forgot to follow through on a promise or unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings—helps build the foundation for handling bigger issues with care and mutual respect.
Here are a few practical steps to implement relational repair:
- Start small: If expressing emotions feels difficult, begin with positive interactions, such as expressing appreciation.
- Acknowledge feelings: Instead of jumping to defense, listen to how the other person feels.
- Apologize with sincerity: Saying “I’m sorry” and explaining how you’ll improve shows commitment to the relationship.
- Give space when needed: Not all repair happens instantly. Allow the other person time to process their emotions.
- Maintain ongoing conversations: Regular check-ins about emotional needs and relationship dynamics help prevent unresolved tension.
Repairing Relationships with Children
Repair isn’t just for adult relationships—it’s crucial in parenting as well. Many parents expect their children to apologize when they make mistakes but rarely model this behavior themselves. Children learn by example, and when parents take responsibility for their own missteps—whether using a harsh tone or misunderstanding a child’s feelings—it teaches them the value of accountability and repair.
In sibling dynamics, it’s important to avoid forced apologies. Allowing children the space to process their emotions before offering forgiveness fosters a more authentic resolution process. Similarly, in all relationships, both parties must be ready to engage in repair before moving forward.
Final Thoughts
Relational repair is an essential skill for maintaining healthy and lasting relationships. If repair is already a strength of yours, keep it up! If it’s an area of struggle, start small—engage in more open conversations, acknowledge emotions, and practice sincere apologies. These small steps can lead to stronger, more fulfilling connections with those around you.